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One liners. Lot's of 'em. 'nuff said.

Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.

Now that food has replaced my sex life, I can't even get into my own pants!"A new study shows that licking the sweat off a frog can cure depression. The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the frog gets depressed again." - Jay Leno

"Alex, I'll take 'Things Only I Know' for $200"

"An Australian relief effort is knitting sweaters to protect the feathers of penguins who are being affected by an oil spill. The sweaters are being refused by many penguins who'd rather die then dress casual." - Conan O'Brien

"AOL for Dummies" is kind of redundant, don't you think?

"I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!" - Homer Simpson

"If these pills don't stop the kleptomania," said the psychiatrist, "try and get me a nice video camera."

"Nearly everything you read signed "from God" is just somebody putting their words in My mouth." - God

"Streakers *repant* your end is in sight."

"The game of catch has never been so fun!" - inventor of the hand grenade.

"What do you take me for, an idiot?" - General Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970), when a journalist asked him if he was happy.

' 'Tis a brave man who wears the kilt in January.' --Scottish saying

'I'm not sure who he is, but I've heard he's got his hand in a lot of things.'- Kermit The Frog, about Jim Henson.

'Veni, Vidi, Velcro' - I came, I saw, I stuck around.

37% of Americans agree that while they would hate being British, they wouldn't mind having a British accent.

47.5% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5 out of 4 people don't understand fractions.

60% of Americans say that, if they could push a button that would make Larry King disappear, they would keep pushing it and not stop.

665: Neighbour of the Beast.

666A, 666B - Tenants of the beast.

766: Upstairs neighbour of the Beast.

9 out of 10 doctors say the 10th doctor should mellow out.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.

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