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Have you ever been talking to someone, and they say something especially keen, such as, 'Yeah, no problem, I live 5 minutes from home' (A verbatim quotation from Coolsig staff Kevin Savage). There's really no correct response, the most appropriate being, 'No thanks, I've already got a penguin.'

"Bob?" asked Steve, "Jim", Frank replied.

"Ever wonder if the light goes out when you close the fridge door? Well, yes it does." - the milk

"My duck does a wonderful trick. It can lay an egg." (What's so wonderful about that?) "Well... can you lay an egg?" --Shirley Temple

"The quality of my life would be greatly reduced if I did not have nostrils." - 'Weird Al' Yankovic

'Did you sleep well?' 'No, I made a couple of mistakes.' - Steve Wright

'Would you prefer if I made bad puns from the floor?' - Gordon, while sitting on someone's bed making puns.

A corpse is a corpse, of course, of course, and no-one can talk to a corpse, of course. That is, of course, unless the corpse is the famous Mr. Dead!

A murmur ran through the court and before the bailiff could grab it, then it jumped up and bit judge Webster on the nose.

Attention: There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting.

Debate politics with a fern. If you lose, refuse to water it.

Every child has many wishes. Some include a wallet, two chicks and a cigar, but that's another story.

For the next 60 seconds, I will conduct a test of my emergency broadcast equipment. AAAAHHHHH!!! Had this been a real emergency, the scream you just heard would be followed by lots more just like it. This concludes My test of my emergency broadcast equipment. - Calvin, 'Calvin & Hobbes.'

Give a man a match and he'll be warm for an hour... Set him on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

God Made Us Brothers, But Prozac Made Us Friends.

Happiness is like peeing yourself. Everybody can see it but only you can feel its warmth.

He's dead... But look! Hundreds of bright copper kettles, warm woolen mittens, brown paper packages tied up in string! Someone was after a few of this guy's favorite things.

Hope is NOT a thing with feathers, the thing with feathers is my nephew, and I have to take him to a specialist in Zurich. - Woody Allen

How's he gonna read that magazine rolled up like that? What the ... - a fly.

I had a flat tire and so went to get a spare at a gas station and the attendant looks at me and asks 'did you get a flat?' 'No, I was just driving along and the other three just swelled up on me!' with out missing a beat he says 'well, they'll do that.'

If you look deeply emough into any person's soul, you can see the emu within them struggling to get out. Actually, most people don't have emus in their soul. Just me. - Invisible Dave, Lady of Emus

Life's short and hard, kind of like a bodybuilding elf.-The Bloodhound Gang

Most Annoying thing to McDonald's employees: I would like a plain cheeseburger with with ketchup and no cheese.

No-one suspects the butterfly!

Nuclear Fission is nice, but none of the really cosmic breakthroughs can hope to surpass the utility and availability of the white 5-gallon plastic bucket. - J. Taylor Buckley

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