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Religion
Theists think all gods but theirs are false. Atheists simply don't make an exception for the last one.

The only difference between saints and sinners is that every saint has a past while every sinner has a future. - Oscar Wilde

grmmmble mmmmm.... rrrrr.mmmm ....aaaa.... zzzz-zzz-zzz. *Grunt*: Amen. - The Pope

Few religions are definite about the size of Heaven, but on the planet Earth the Book of Revelation (ch. XXI, v.16) gives it as a cube 12,000 furlongs on a side. This is somewhat less than 500,000,000,000,000,000,000 cubic feet. Even allowing that the Heavenly Host and other essential services take up at least two thirds of this space, this leaves about one million cubic feet of space for each human occupant ... This is such a generous amount of space that it suggests that room has also been provided for some alien races or -- a happy thought -- that pets are allowed.

If you believe in something you made up, you're crazy. If you believe in something someone else made up, your religious. And that's protected by law. - J. Woods.

God I can stand. It's the fan club that I hate!

Going to church makes you a Christian about as much as standing in the garage makes you a car.


Ain't that the Truth!
Life's a bleach and then you dye

Written very small on the back poket of a girl's jeans - 'If you can read this, you're WAY too close.'

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup. France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.' Need I say more?"

Get a life or die trying!

Yesterday is a past, tomorrow is a future , today is a gift that's why it's called 'present'

Code of the west: Never squat while wearing spurs.

If we all are here to help others , then what exactly are others here for?

If Necessity is the mother of invention, then Desperation must be the father!

Seeing a baby's butt in a diaper commercial is preferable to seeing an elderly person's butt in an adult diaper commercial. That could lead to a lot of unnecessary choking-related deaths.

People may not always remember exactly what you said or what you did, but they will always remember how you made them feel.



Is it possible for someone to become addicted to therapy? And If so, how would you treat them?

Let them live in the stillness and know the flame. They will loose all and give all.- by William Nicholson, 'Firesong'

Life isn't about what happens to you, it's about how you handle what happens.- by Nicholas Evans, 'The Smoke Jumper'

You can lead a horse to water, but, a pencil must be lead. - Stan Laurel

H R COLLEGE (MUMBAI,INDIA) Suggestions to improve the L C R (ladies common room) are wellcome. some one scribbled bellow it "LET THE GUYS IN"

What would you get if Snoop Doggy Dog married Whinny the Pooh? Snoop Doggy Dog Pooh! - Cheshire

Why do they have handicapped parking in front of a gym?

Why geeks like computers: unzip, strip, touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes,fsck,fsck,fsck,umount, sleep.

I'm having a problem here. Do I put the serial number in the box that says 'serial number,' or do I put it in the box that says 'company'? - Oh, those poor tech support people

It all started with a badly timed bald joke. - Colin Mochrie

If someone leads but no one follows... are they just out for a walk?

"First, a hologram, then a borg, and now the wong twin?" - Tom Paris "At least I'm consistant" - Harry Kim (talking about Harry's previous involvements)

The lord giveth; the IRS taketh away.

Wanna get laid? Why don't you crawl up a chicken's ass and wait?

Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again. - Mary Pickford

I know I'm in there somewhere, and if I don't come out with my hands up, I'm going to go in there and get me!

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot

Poster above Urinal: Please stay closer as your little Johny is not as big as you think.

Gas, Grass, or piece of Ass. Nobody rides for free. - On a jeep

Watch Out For The Idiot Behind Me.

Why do people point to their wrists when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Is time the wheel that turns, or the track it leaves behind? - Kelstar's Riddle

When we long for a life with no difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds, and diamonds are made under pressure. - Peter Marshall

If it wasn't for my horse, I never would have spent that year in college... - Lewis Black

If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane!

And God, I promise... no more sex with anybody... unless they really, really, need it - Rue Macalahan as Blanche, The Golden Girls

If drinking and driving is illegal, why do bars have parking lots?

Directions: That useless little piece of paper, containing incomprehensible language, usually written in Spanish and Japanese, that one refers to, only after botching the construction of the over-priced and (also usually) useless item that one found so necessary to own, only that very morning.

Depression: anger without enthusiasm.

I suffer from chronic apathy, I was going to go see a docter about it, but I didn't really care.

Rehab is for quitters

You can learn many things from children; How much patience you have, for instance!

IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humor or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social fauxpas. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the mutt next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

Sign seen on sewage truck: "We're #1 at #2!"

Somewhere in Texas There is Village Missing an Idiot

If brains were dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose

If cocaine were legal, would they sell it in little packages like Sweet N' Low? Would they call it Sweet N' High?

Code so clean you could eat off it

Support your local undertaker and DROP DEAD

Warning: Spelling errors in this message are the product of a poor school system. Pay teachures more than athletes.

Fur is more actively protested than leather 'cause its easier to harrass rich women than biker gangs.

I do know everything, just not all at once. It's a virtual memory problem.

Seen written on the USA TODAY newspaper despenser outside of the University of Oklahoma Cafeteria when there are papers in the despenser: USA TODAY (written underneath) Tomarrow the World!

Don't follow me, I'm lost too...

Jean's a nice girl. So she likes girls and not guys. Some people like cats and not dogs. Frankly, I'd rather live with a lesbian than a cat. - Sophia, The Golden Girls

Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant, filled with odd waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like. - Lemony Snicket

If i overtake you... you should be embarrased - Seen on the back of a camper van

The lover writes a one word poem, "You."

Fortissimoe: The musical moment produced when someone serially slaps the faces of the first violin section.

Karmageddon: It's, like, when everybody is sending off all those really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

Hozone: The area over by 6th street.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting an IRS refund, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with.

Beezlebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

I'm very responsible, when ever something goes wrong they always say i'm responsible.

You've got to go out on a limb sometimes because that's where the fruit is. - Will Rogers

History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction. That's why events are always reinterpreted when values change. We need new versions of history to allow for our current prejudices. - Calvin and Hobbes

God loves us! (Written next to that) You can't write on this wall! That's graffiti! (Next to that) Your doing it too!

This is Unix and Netware country, on a quiet night you can hear NT Reboot.

Somewhere in Texas, a village is missing their idiot (re: George W. Bush)

Herbivore: device for converting plants into meat.

People tend to look at you differently when you stuff a voodoo doll full of laxatives.

Little birdy in the sky, angry farmer wipes his eye, thanking God that cows don't fly - seen on tractor

You can build a man a fire and keep him warm for a day or you can set a man on fire and keep him warm for the rest of his life.

Baby I'm bored (Baby on board)

Why do gas stations lock their bathrooms? Are they afraid someone is going to come in and clean them up?

Don't confuse me with facts, I've already made up my mind.

Being a Windows administrator is like sleeping with a fat girl. You do it, but you don't brag to your friends about it.

Why is someone who invests all your money called a broker?

If you can pee above this line, you're in the wrong bathroom (in a girl's bathroom)

gcc: helloworld.c 15 Errors, 31 Warnings

Who tells atheist schitzophrenics what to do?

Found on a ladies' bathroom wall: "My husband follows me everywhere." Found next to it: "No I don't!"

ACHTUNG!!! Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfuseen und corkenpoppen mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und vatch das blinkenlights!!

Remove USABLE from UNSTABLE and all you have left is NT.

There are only two things more complicated than computers. One is the US tax code, and the other is women.


Beer!
I read a book on the evils of drinking, so I stopped. Reading, that is.

I am not an alcoholic, I am a drunk. Alcoholics have meetings.

Nobody drove me to drink. I flew!


Social commentary
Mankind must put and end to war before war puts an end to mankind.- John F. Kennedy

It's too bad that ignorance isn't painful.

The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears it's true.

Worry is a misuse of the imagination.

Isn't it ironic that only intelligent people understand the meaning of "ingorance is bliss"?

Remember, even at a Mensa convention someone is the dumbest person in the room!

Love will not save us, hate will not destroy us, rather greed will consume us.

Without deviation from the norm, progress is not possible. - Frank Zappa


Politics
If I had half a mind, I would be a Republican.

98% of us Americans are hard-working people. It's the other 2% that give us a bad reputation. Then again, we did elect them.

In a general way, we try to anticipate some of your questions so that I can respond "no comment" with some degree of knowledge. - William Baker, CIA spokesman

Walter Mondale: "George Bush doesn't have the manhood to apologise." George Bush: "Well, on the manhood thing, I'll put mine up against his any time."

Outside of the killings, [Washington] has one of the lowest crime rates in the country - Mayer Marion Barry, Washington DC

I was not lying. I said things that later on seemed to be untrue. - Richard Nixon

The problem with the French is that they dont have a word for "entrepreneur" - George W. Bush

Saying that an illegal immigrant doesn't deserve to be paid the same wages as an American because he doesn't belong here in the first place is like saying that a person trapped in a well shouldn't be saved because he shouldn't have been playing around the well in the first place. - Maddox

Politics is not the art of persuasion, it's the science of selfishness.

In America, anyone can be President. That's the problem. - George Carlin

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia; it's only the people that make them unsafe" - Former Mayor of Philadelphia Frank Rizzo


Music
Music soothes the savage beast...unless it's polka.


Worldly Sigs
Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding. - Albert Einstein

In History, after the lesson, one student was talking about a trip she took once. "So then we flew from Moscow to Prague--" Another student cut in, obviously impressed. "In GERMANY?"

Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre? - Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?

Life is A waste of time and time is a waste of life, so get wasted all the time and have the time of your life.


One-Liners
On a scale between one to ten, you're an idiot!

Happiness is like peeing yourself, everyone can see it but only u can feel its warmth!

Now that food has replaced my sex life, I can't even get into my own pants!

Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.

Constipated people don't give a crap!

Mary had a little lamb, she tied it to a pylon. Ten-thousand volts went up it's bum, and turned it's wool into nylon.


No category
Seen at a swimming pool in Spain: "Welcome to our OOL. Theres no P in our Pool, help us keep it that way."


The Proverbial Sig
Dream as if you'll live forever; Live as if you'll die today. - James Dean

An open mind sees the world reflected within themselves, but a closed mind looks for the world to be their reflection. - Brian Winkler

It's not true that life is one damn thing after another. It's the same damn thing over and over.

A billion Chinese can't be wrong, eat rice.

50 million smokers can't be wrong!

Life is a bed of roses, but some idiot forgot to take out the thorns

If necessity is the Mother of invention, laziness is the Father!

Worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair: you're always moving, but you never get anywhere - Van Wilder


Battle of the Sexes!
They call it P.M.S. because "mad cow disease" was already taken.

MENtal anixiety! MENstrual cramps! MENopause! Don't you notice that all our problems begin with MEN!

Boys are like lava lamps: fun to look at but not so bright.

As a sex, we are vastly superior to men, but it is taboo to show it.

When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"

Do you know why women fake orgasms? They think we care! - Kai

Men are stronger than women, but smell is not everything.

A guy is like a deck of cards: you need a heart to love him, a diamond to marry him, a club to bash his head in, and a spade to bury him.


Scientific Sigs
A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine.


Movies
We at the FBI do not have a sense of humor that we are aware of. - Men In Black

Why do men love staring at themselves in the mirror? Because objects in mirror may appear larger than they are. - Mel Gibson, What Women Want

Even the smallest person can change the course of the future. - Galadriel, The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

Husbands should be like Kleenex; soft, strong, and disposable - Mrs. White from Clue

Cage: I'll do my best. Connery: Your best? Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen. Cage: Carla was the prom queen. - Sean Connery and Nicholas Cage in "The Rock"

my friend asked me, "why, in the wizard of oz, that it changes from black and white to color?" i said, "i don't know, but i don't think they are in kansas anymore."

"All major theme parks have delays. When they opened Disneyland in 1956, nothing worked." "Yeah, but if Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down, the pirates don't EAT the tourists." - Jurassic Park

Golf, a brilliant way to spoil a perfectly good walk (lock stock & 2 smoking barrels)


Trivia
A wint-o-green life saver will spark in the dark when bitten through.


Answering Machines
du Du DU! (the sound the phone makes before telling you this number is no longer in service) I'm sorry. This number has been changed. The new number is not listed in our records at the customer's request. Its un-published; not printed; you CAN'T have it. I won't give it to you. You can tie me to a tree and beat me and I STILL won't tell you; but I will enjoy it. Please! Make a note of it!

I'm gone like the black on Micheal Jackson.

This is you-know-who. I am you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.


Corporate Typos
On the side of a sewage plant truck: "We're number one with your number twos!"

On a bottle of water: May contain water.


Happiness, Love, Life and all that mushy stuff...
Into each live a little rain must fall - but don't worry - skin is waterproof.

May your coffin be made of 100 year old oak from a tree that I plant tomorrow.

Life is not measured by how many breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Life is not measured by the breaths that we take; it is measured by the moments that take our breath away! - Unknown

If the only way to be with you is in my dreams, then I want to sleep forever.

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, Champagne in one hand -- strawberries in the other screaming WOO HOO!


Military
Are there any experienced suicide bombers?

There are only two type of aircraft... fighters and targets. - Major Doyle "Wahoo" Nicholson, USMC

The Yo-Yo is very difficult to explain. It was first perfected by the well-known Chinese fighter pilot Yo-Yo Noritake. He also found it difficult to explain, being quite devoid of English. - Sqd leader K.G. Holland, RAF


Siglets of Advice
It's not winning that matters, it's winning in style that matters...

There is nothing in the world that can't be solved by brute force and ignorance - Hardway

If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

When in doubt, follow the crowd!


Scholarly Sigs
A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops. - Henry Adams

Professor: "...So don't ask me any stupid questions like, 'What's Newton's first law?'" (from the back of the class:) "Who's Newton?"

A teacher of a philosophy class handed all the students a test saying, "Why?" at the top of the paper. One student wrote beneath it, "Why not?" and got full marks.

None is so great that he needs no help. None is so small he cannot give it.


Sports
If at first you dont succeed, skydiving is not for you.


Sigs at work
I don't mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch!

Every organization is like a tree full of monkeys, with monkeys sitting on all of the branches from top to bottom. When the monkeys at the top look down, all they see are smiling faces. When the monkeys at the bottom look up, all they see are assholes.

Team work - A dozen Idiots doing whatever the Boss (another idiot) says!

Boss: Why aren't you working? Worker: I didn't see you coming.

My boss would like to pay me what I am worth, but there is a minimum wage law.


Pick-Up Lines
I'm sure glad I brought my library card, 'cause I'm checking you out!

If I told you, you hava a gorgeous figure would you hold it against me.

Before I came to talk to you, only God and I knew what I was going to say. But now that I'm standing here, only He knows.

I bought you this rose so it would know what true beauty looks like.