Some real groaners here. Then again, have you ever heard a pun that wasn't?
"I see..." said the blind man. "I saw..." said the carpenter.
A bull frog went into the bank and asked the teller for a loan, but all he had for collateral was a ceramic elephant. Unsure of what to do, the teller asked his boss Mr. Paddywag. Mr. Padywag didn't know what to do either so he asked his boss Mr. Pooler. Mr. Pooler heard the situation and immediately knew what to do. He said: It's a nick-nack Paddywag, give the frog a loan.
A good pun is it's own reword.
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why?', they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book. The other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" "Hang on a sec," replied the doctor, "you'll just have to be a little patient"
A monk was traveling and came to a fork in the road. He stopped, looked at it and decided to leave it there for someone else to ponder, someone who may need it, for his own spoon was quite sufficient.
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender: How much for a beer? The bartender replies: For you, no charge.
A ship carrying blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint. The crew are believed to be marooned.
A tall weather-worn cowboy walked into the saloon and ordered a beer. The regulars quietly observed the drifter through half-closed eyelids. No one spoke, but they all noticed that the stranger's hat was made of brown wrapping paper. Less obvious was the fact that his shirt and vest were also made of paper. Truth be told, even his chaps, pants, and boots were paper, including the spurs. Of course he was soon arrested for rustling...
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.
Bessie stopped giving milk the other day. She's an udder failure.
Chopped cabbage - not just a good idea... it's THE SLAW.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
I bought one of those new microwave fireplaces. Last night I kept warm all night in 30 seconds.
Inquiring gnomes want to mine!
Math and alcohol do not mix, so don't drink and derive!
Or how about the dermatologist who started his practice from scratch?
Q. What's brown and sticky? A. A stick!
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Transvestites are men who like to eat, drink, and be Mary.
Twin brothers, one named Emal and the other Juan, grew up and moved out of the country. A year later, their mother receives from Juan a letter and picture of himself. His mother sighs and mentions she wishes she had a picture from Emal as well. 'Why,' replies her husband, 'if you've seen Juan, you've seen Emal.'
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other: Are you all right? - No, I lost an electron! - Are you sure? - Yeah, I'm positive!
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