Tiny little bits of humour, ready to make your day. 'All the humour, half the calories!'
'This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602. 'If you look out of the windows on the side of the plane, you will observe that both engines are on fire. If you look out the windows on the other side you can see that the wing has fallen off. If you look towards the ocean you will see three people waving from a bright yellow lifeboat. That's me, the co-pilot and one of the stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!'
A blonde goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of her body with her finger she says: Doc it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts! Doc what's wrong? The doctor answers: Your finger is broken!
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. 'In English,' he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.' A voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'
A priest, a nun, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a cowboy, a lawyer, a salesman, and a blonde all walk in to a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, is this some kind of joke?"
A ship was carrying a cargo of yo-yos, bound for San Francisco from Hong Kong. It was hit by a typhoon and sank twenty-three times.
Bill and Hilary Clinton were out for a walk, when Hilary exclaimed: Bill, I used to date that man! Realizing that she was pointing to a gas jockey, Bill exclaimed: Wow, just think, you could have been married to a gas jockey! Hillary's answer: Actually Bill, just think - that man could have been President of the United States!
Do you know the difference between God and a neurosurgeon? God doesn't think he is a neurosurgeon!
Hickory, dickory dock, three mice ran up the clock, the clock struck one, and the other two escaped with minor injuries.
It goes without saying that the Big Sittin' Goose Decoy Blind, a product that we are not making up, is designed for hunters. The hunter reclines in a sort of beach chair, then pulls the giant goose body down over his face, making himself virtually invisible, except for the fact that his arms and legs and gun are clearly sticking out. The idea is that when geese fly overhead, they look down and think: Hey! There's a person down there engaging in an act of perversion with a giant goose! Naturally the geese want to fly down and take a closer look. Anybody would. - Dave Barry
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted: I am Napoleon! Another one said: How do you know? The first inmate said: God told me! A voice from another room shouted: I did NOT!
One day, a bear and a rabbit were walking trough the woods when they saw a golden frog. The frog said 'I don`t see many people, but when I do I grant them three wishes. The bear looks at the rabbit and says 'That means three each'. The bear then says, "I wish all the bears in this forest were female." The rabbit wishes for a motorbike. The bear looks at the rabbit, then says, "in fact, I wish all the bears in the next forest were female, too." The rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. The bear (getting a bit carried away), "I wish all the bears in the WORLD were female!!" Then,the rabbit puts on the helmet, revs the bike and says, "I wish that bear right there was gay" and rides away.
Tea or coffee?
Coffee, without cream, please.
It will be without milk, we have no cream.
The quantity of consonants in the English language remains constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. i.e.: When a Bostonian 'pahks' his 'cah,' the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to 'warsh' his car and invest in 'erl wells.'
Two brunettes and a blonde just broke out of jail, while running form the police they run into an old barn to hide. The first brunette hid up in the loft, the second brunette hid in the stalls, and the blonde hid in a potato sack. The police ran in. One cop ran up to the loft and the brunette says, 'meowwwww'. 'Nothing but a little cat up here' says the cop. 'Okay, let's go check the stalls' So the other brunette says 'moooooooooo'. 'Oh, nothing here but a cow'. 'okay, lets go check over there by that potato sack' so they go over there and the blonde says 'potatoooo.'
When God was creating the human race, he lined up all the males on one side and all the females opposite. Then he asked: Which of your species would like to urinate standing up? Well, the males went crazy, shouting that they wanted to pee standing up. 'Fine', says God, 'Women get multiple orgasms'.
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