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Of SNL fame, this is Jack at his very best! One of my favourite sections.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the guy at the Marineland says: 'You can't throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish.' Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them. Man, wise up.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly, it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think: Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that.

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake. - Jack Handy

Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it little friend.

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

Sometimes I wish I were dead. No, wait. Not me you.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says: 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

The face of a child can say it all. Especially the mouth part of the face.

The smart man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe, but the stupid man will find some seaweed and roll around untill he's all covered in it and go, 'Hey! I'm vine man!'

The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go: Hey, I'm Vine Man.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says: Hey, can you give me a hand? You can say: Sorry, got these sacks.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, hmmm, boy.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

You know what would be the most terrifying thing for a flea? To get caught in a watch somehow. Hey, you don't even care, do you?


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