Of SNL fame, this is Jack at his very best! One of my favourite sections.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long, personal talk. After that, I'm not sure, but maybe you could throw water in his face or something.
I'd have to say that my favorite uncle was Uncle Caveman. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and occasionally he'd eat one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear.
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a million ants just to aim a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is: God is crying. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is: Probably because of something you did.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Tramp-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons. (maybe by shoving them down his throat).
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be 'Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something'.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity happen.
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.
If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is: Can't you make it shoot farther? 'No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots.'
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions', and if you got a different 'impression', so what, can't we all be brothers?
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
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